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Much has been written about the various bailout packages more recently referred to as TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program), which should now be renamed to GARP (Geithner Asset Relief Program).

Both have one thing common in that enormous amounts of money are being spent without any certainty that positive results can be achieved. My confidence level in these programs, which was almost non-existent to begin with, was pulled down another notch yesterday, when Treasury Secretary Geithner uttered the words before congress that “it only requires will; it’s not about ability.” Yeah right.

To really understand how these plans work, take a look at a humorous description as submitted by reader Tom:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar. Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor. The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

There you have it. A perfect explanation how a useless asset is being securitized and sold, large amounts of money are being made in the process and, ultimately, innocent bystanders are being asked to ante up via tax dollars.

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Comments 4

  1. Ulli,

    Heidi Heidi Ho, I still say the Government needs to start a covert operation by sneaking into the printing press and print enough money to bail us all out and just call it even, nobody would need to know and life goes on. Sure if we knew it the dollar would be devalued, but if we didn’t know then nothing would happen because it was covert. When this was all completed the people involeved could have there mind erased by drug therapy of any involvement and only one person would ever know that this ever happened.


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